If you think this article is full of dating advice, it’s not. Instead, it’s about my perspective on dating, exploring what we want or dislike in relationships. Considering the world’s population of 8 billion, I’m sure there are at least 100 people who share my mindset, which I’ll share here today. Let’s discuss our wants and basic requirements in dating, breaking it down into smaller sections.
What do we bring to the table?
A job? A mature mind? Financial freedom? Good health? Emotional intelligence? Love? Kindness?Now, what do we expect from others in a relationship? Today, everyone seems to be searching for a partner who can provide for them or take care of them, as they’re tired of giving and caring for others, whether it’s family, friends, or past relationships. They’re exhausted from giving their energy to others, so they want someone to recharge their batteries and bring them peace. While this isn’t a bad thing from one perspective, it raises questions.
Before reaching a deeper level of love, what do we go through? I’ll explain this further.
Emotional needs: Everyone seems to be seeking a “princess treatment” from their future partner (regardless of gender), as they’re tired of giving this to others. However, if everyone is looking for the same thing, then who is the giver on this planet?
If you’re tired or mentally exhausted from using all your energy on family, friends, or past relationships, it doesn’t mean your future partner is responsible for treating you the way you treated others. What if they’re going through similar situations? A mature person may need someone to take care of their emotional or physical needs, but what if they’re also seeking the exact same thing in a relationship? How do you deal with this? Do you feel hurt and think, “This isn’t what I wanted; you crushed my expectations. I thought you’d take care of me, so I could shut my brain off while I’m with you.” Shut my brain off ? How? Being emotionally dependent on them? Having peace with your partner is one thing but make sure you are not overly dependent on someone and consuming their energy.
I’ve always been a giver, leaving me exhausted and heartbroken. Yet, I never thought to find someone who could simply love me or fix my heart because my ex broke it or I lacked the emotional capacity to give. Personally, I find it selfish to seek a giver without becoming one myself!
So, what do we actually bring to the table? Our taking nature? Our empty or half-full cup, expecting the other person to fill it up for us and empty their own cup? No, we should bring a full cup to the table, so we can receive another full cup and create more together. This is what self-love is about. Love yourself first before dating someone else. Using the excuse that you’re not ready to give love is not valid.
What we look for?
Red or Green Flags: There’s no such thing as a wrong or right person, or red or green flags; there’s only a difference in thinking and personality. What may be a green flag for you could be a red flag for someone else, and vice versa. This depends on individual preferences and perspectives. I’m not referring to abusers, disrespectful or harmful individuals here, but rather general experiences I’ve had in my life until my late 20s. There’s still much to learn, but for now, I’m sharing my perspective on people and their nature in terms of making connections.
For instance, if I enjoy baking and you dislike it, is that a red flag? Not necessarily. We simply have different tastes. Either we learn to respect each other’s differences and accept them, or we move on. However, I want you to respect that if I am not pet friendly, I am not. I love animals , gift them something but from a distance, I do love plants and fishes but still I can’t touch fishes. If you are pet friendly, I will respect it as long as you will respect that I am not.
Side note- My parents have a dog.
Attraction: Everyone has unique thinking, personality, nature, and upbringing, making them attractive in different ways. Even twins, despite their similarities, don’t see things from the same angle. One sibling might be reserved, while the other is expressive in their emotions. So, who’s more attractive? It all depends on what you possess or desire.
Human nature is complex. If you’re sad today, you might want a partner who’s happy to uplift you. However, it’s not their job to make you happy; they can only add to your happiness. If you’re mentally unstable or struggling, you might seek a stable partner. If you’re childish, you might look for a father or mother figure. Essentially, you seek qualities you lack, which can make you a perfect match, no? If you’re an introvert dating an ambivert or extrovert to balance your life, that’s often considered finding a better half. However, if you lack emotional intelligence or show tough love to attract genuine love, you need help. You must work on yourself first to understand what a better half truly means!
Stop seeking things you can’t provide; instead, focus on what you can offer or work on.
Next, are we picky, judgmental, or do we have high standards or fears? How do we differentiate between these feelings while searching for a partner? Again, it’s all about perspectives. What one person considers picky, another might see as judgmental. Let’s see If I am picky or judgmental.
My Experience
When I open my dating apps, I come across certain things that I dislike. I often don’t swipe right on people who write in their bio, “I’ll fall in love with you if you make me laugh.” My immediate thought is, “Are you looking for a comedian? Because I can’t do two jobs.” Although I have a great sense of humor, I don’t want someone to date me solely because I make them laugh. What if one day I’m not funny? Will they leave me then? I also can’t date someone with an age gap of 4-5 years, like I can’t expect a 22 year old to behave like 29 because I am 29 ? It’s so unfair to their 7 years, vice versa If I am dating someone elder than me, I don’t want to behave like a certain age specially if I have to skip years. I don’t want to babysit anyone, nor do I want someone to babysit me. Period.
I also dislike it when people say, “I’m new in town, can you show me around?” Honestly, even I haven’t explored the world yet, but I’m not asking someone else to take my passport and book flights for me. I’m not a tour guide, especially if I’m not dating you or don’t know you well. Why would I put my personal chores on hold and drive you to new places that I haven’t even explored myself? People can be hilarious.
On a side note, I hate driving. I’d like someone who can drive, not all the time, of course, but occasionally I’d love to enjoy the scenery on the way home, please!
Another thing I dislike is when people post pictures of themselves making a victory sign with two fingers or sticking their tongue out. Why would you upload a picture like that on a dating profile? Consider a dating profile like a matrimony profile. Would you marry someone who poses with victory signs in their pictures, as shown by your family? Then why is it different on dating apps? You can be yourself, show your silly side, or show me how your tongue can touch your nose while we’re dating or in love, but not before when I don’t know you!
Then, there are people who say, “I won’t date you if you’re not interested in politics.” I’m okay with staying updated on basic news, but I don’t want to discuss politics with my partner every night. I’d rather ask about their day or how I can support them in achieving their goals.
Additionally, I’m hesitant to date someone who is still a student, not working, or in therapy, studying psychology, or behavioural education. I feel that person might be too focused on analyzing others, pointing out childhood trauma or demons. They will be so focused to find our red flags in people. Everyone has their struggles, and it’s normal. I don’t want to be treated like a project. So stop using those techniques on people.
Side note: I procrastinate a lot!
Dating goals or habits: The next category is habits or goals. There are many attractive people on these apps, and when you like most things about them, some facts can be turn-offs, such as drinking habits, smoking, or having weed or drug addictions.
Yes, there are people with strong profiles, and when they check most of my boxes, I find out they’re a smoker, use weed sometimes, or are figuring out their dating goals. These individuals, who are emotionally unavailable, try to date people looking for long-term partners because they want all the benefits of true love while remaining non-committal. These people often put others in third-party situations or situationships. Like stop draining people.
Another thing that affects the dating experience is divorced people or those who have kids. I’m not saying they don’t have the right to live their lives, but can you realistically look for someone unmarried with no kids when you’re divorced and have kids yourself? How is that fair or reasonable for the other person?
I want to meet you as a person or partner first, not as a mother or father. How will I know you’re a compatible partner if you’re presenting yourself as a parent on our first date? This is just my perspective, and it’s not an attack on married or divorced people. If I were in your shoes, things would be different. I wouldn’t be selfish enough to seek out a bachelor for myself, considering I have kids and don’t want more, or simply want my partner to be their mom or dad. Am I looking for a partner or a nanny? It seems so hard to find someone who shares your habits and values.
Side note- Love is blind.
Other Factors
Career Factors: I’ve worked hard to get where I am, so stability is crucial for me – financial, emotional, physical, and sexual. If I’m in a field like finance or engineering, I won’t date someone who works at a coffee shop. I’m not being rude, just straightforward. I’d like to date someone with a good career too, as I want a stable future. I want to buy a house with my partner, so we can afford a mortgage together. If I met you in person, maybe I’d consider dating you, but on apps, I won’t swipe right if someone is in a vastly different industry. It’s like taking a step backward or going back to your old lifestyle when I want to move forward.
Romantic vs. Dramatic: As a passionate lover, daydreamer, and romantic, I have fantasies – some dramatic ones, too. I need someone who can show up at my door with an apology, or surprise me with flowers. I adore flowers, despite the sadness of watching them die. I want flower petals all over my face and in my room. If you can’t do that, I’m not interested. I’ve done it myself – driven hours in bad weathers back and forth, shown up at my partner’s door with flowers, and apologized sincerely by holding my ears and kneeling. You might call it dramatic, impulsive, or impatient, but it’s all about perspective. I surprise people and I want people to surprise me too with decorations, balloons and flowers, side note Please don’t decorate my room with different coloured balloons I hate it, go with 2 or 3 colours, the max.
Anyways a romantic partner with some dramatic traits keeps things exciting. A little chase and risk can be thrilling. I’m not talking about mind games, but a playful pursuit can be nice. As someone who’s been a chaser, I still enjoy the thrill of the chase – most of the time. I like to give attention and receive attention. However, I also attract unnecessary attention, which is a different story altogether.
Physical Appearance: When someone meets our basic financial or emotional needs, we often find fault in their physical appearance. I’m not saying we need a Miss or Mr. Universe, but when we’re together, I think it’s reasonable to want to look nice as a couple. I’m not referring to caste, color, or body shape, as everyone has different preferences. Personally, I used to prefer fit individuals, but now I’m unsure. While I’m not entirely open to someone who’s opposite my desires, I do have certain expectations. For instance, if I want someone with long hair to play with, I couldn’t date someone with no hair or a boy cut, especially if they wear hats. I apologize, but that’s just my preference. I also expect my partner to put in some effort to dress well, even when going to grocery stores. Yes, you heard that right! You never know where you might meet someone. So, please, always look attractive and wear some confidence, babe. I won’t judge your joggers
Side note: If your socks don’t match your outfit, we’re not dating.
Astrology
Zodiac Signs: After looking at someone’s pictures or learning about their past, I check their zodiac sign. There are certain signs I’ve never dated and don’t feel the need to. Even with limited encounters, I’ve formed opinions about specific signs.
Here are some basic traits associated with each sign that influence my decision:
– Aries: passionate but impulsive, negative, and prone to anger issues
– Leo: loyal but proud, fixed, high way or my way
-Aquarius- fixed and stubborn
– Pisces: overwhelming
– Cancer: overly emotional
– Taurus: stubborn and egoistic
– Gemini: gossipy and two-faced
– Libra: indecisive, guilt tripping and prone to running away, but very attractive
– Scorpio: determined but manipulative
– Virgo: perfectionistic, judgmental, and self-obsessed
– Capricorn: submissive but plays the victim card
– Sagittarius: loyal, intuitive, but scared to lose freedom of thought
Despite these traits, I’ve picked at least one sign from each element that I’d consider dating in the future: Air sign (Libra or Aquarius), Water sign (Scorpio), Fire sign (Aries), and I’m still thinking about an Earth sign. Don’t lose hope, guys!
Side note- I have dated at-least one of the signs from each element already.
Common Ground: After considering other factors, I look for ethnicity, religion, or moral values where I can find some common ground. I try to find similarities to avoid potential issues in the relationship, as some topics can be sensitive. Dating people from different backgrounds can be challenging.
For instance, what if I want to express my feelings through a Bollywood song to a Spanish partner? Music is a love language for me, and if we don’t share some common taste, my romantic life might become dull. However, I’m willing to find a middle ground. I need someone who knows how to find solutions instead of being stubborn and resistant to change. I keep an open mind, allowing room for other people’s perspectives. I’m flexible and willing to learn new languages, music, or hobbies, so we can create common interests. This way, we can build a stronger connection.
Side note: I can sing one song in Bengali, Spanish, Latin, Arabic, Hindi, Punjabi, and English, and I’m eager to learn more. I make an effort to be open-minded, so I need someone who is willing to learn and adapt too. It’s simple.
Finally, The One
The One: Despite having a long list of requirements, there’s always one person who will tear it up. No matter how high our standards are or how guarded we may be, that person will put us on a pedestal and drive us crazy. Do you know who that person is? A crush. Yes, that person will destroy our strong personality, pierce through our aura, and make us behave like our opposite.
They won’t just make us act weird, but also do stupid things we never wanted to do. If cooking isn’t our thing, we’ll happily cook for them. If we hate driving, we’ll take them for a ride. They’ll even turn us into stalkers. Would we date a stalker? No, but damn, we become one for those idiots. We can’t even make up our minds about controlling our desires. One moment we are fantasizing about kidnapping our crush, and the next, we are trying to behave decently. You know what I mean?
Eventually, those people will challenge our viewpoints, belief systems, thinking patterns, and leave us wondering. After meeting them, we’re lost, and our list is destroyed. We think we can change them, but in reality, we change ourselves and get lost for a while. When you want to date them and they say, “not now but maybe in future”, that maybe never comes. Stop being stupid.
Yes, we’ve all had those days! Believe me, those are the worst. So, after surviving everything, what do we do? We remake our list with modifications and start over or We tear up the list and say, “You know what? Forget it. If it’s meant to be, it will be.” We’ll find our soulmate sitting at home or when the time is right. Yes it’s true and I believe that.
Side note- That right time never comes! Life is too short to wait.
So shall we consider arranged marriage? But do our parents currently have any suitable matches for us, especially since we were told not to date beforehand? I highly doubt it. Even if we agree to meet potential partners introduced by our family or friends, our expectations often aren’t met. On top of that, the divorces within our family can be unsettling. Two of my younger cousins filed for divorce within a year – a period typically considered the honeymoon phase. One was an arranged marriage, and the other was a love marriage. Isn’t it frightening? Am I essentially saving myself from a first divorce? Why is this all so complicated?
Side note- Everyone is different.
So how are you holding up on the dating scene? Are you also going through the same feelings? Please share your experiences or perspectives on dating. Let me know if I missed anything. I’d love to hear your bad or funny thoughts.